In One Year

Lately I have been thinking a lot. And spending as much time as I can out of the office.  Well, let’s see. That’s about 40minutes during lunch break and a few more during the other “mini” breaks. All this stress and all the time I spend labouring over this so-called work is not really taking a toll on me.  My family doesn’t seem to mind.  And everyone has been very very understanding.

Work is hell as usual.  So what is wrong?  What the hell is wrong.  No, I am not spending my nights crying over what ever and what not.  No, I am not feeling suicidal.  Nothing like that.  And so for the second time this summertime, I took a vacation.  And oddly enough, this really made me feel that, yes, finally.. I’m on a vacation.  And taking a dip into the peaceful waters of Laiya got me thinking.  And, somehow, much more desperately lonely.  Suddenly that weekend, I thought, I felt an epiphany has come over me.  That and a few sticks and ice-cold San Mig Lights (SARAP!). 

I knew that my life right now is not what I want. Life? I meant my job and basically what I want to do in life.  You see, the career path that I took is basically a life style that one has to endure OR enjoy.  And right now, this job of mine is not the one for me (although is still related to the career that I want).  For years, I have been convincing myself that yes, this is not the job that I want.  Yet, I am still here.  Labouring away.  Losing tonnes of quality time.  you see, my colleagues and I are  no strangers to hard work.  To sleepless nights. And watching the sun rise.  I could stay awake for twenty-four hours drafting away, busting my brains out for a good layout, a good design and still feel satisfied when the last line has been drawn. 

But no, my work right now, I just feel like a robot.  Mechanically accomplishing what I have to do. Of course, I still strive to do my best.  And I always treat the people I work for the highest regard and respect.

And it saddens me.  I work hard. I bleed my brains out.  And at the end of the very long day, there is no pride in the work that I do.  There is no love for the drawings that I have done.  I am paid well.  I can buy a lot of stuff.  But there is simply no joy.  And each passing day leaves me more tired.

That’s not all.  I realize I could no longer jive with the people around me at work.  I love my team.  I love my guys and I take care of them.  But everyone else (save for a few batchmates, former supervisors and some really great people) sometimes I feel I could not stand them.  Not their fault.  But somehow I have begun to feel that I do not belong there.  I want to be out doing some other great work.  That I do not have to deal with annoying officemates, annoying people and ignorant people who judge you because they think they know you.  Hey, I really don’t mind that.  After all, I always tell myself that I came to this company to work and do it well, and not necessarily be friends with everyone.  But now, I think, i don’t have to deal with this.  And I should be somewhere else doing what I love doing.

I am not getting any younger and I think I have found what I want.  But unfortunately, I am NOT there.  I am tired of convincing myself what I want to do in my life.  I should start walking my way there. 

And so, one more project, or depending on how the two simultaneous projects that I am curently handling will progress (or digress haha), I will tell my boss, “this will be my last.”  (He partly knows it anyway.)  And bidding their good family good bye.  Where will I go? I know the end, but the means I still would have to choose the paths. Maybe along Pasong Tamo (if you know what I mean) hehehe. 

For now, my motto is.. enjoy it while it’s there.  Haha! And in one year (or less!) I should be getting almost everything that I want!  Then crunch time and start treading the path towards the “job” and career in architecture that I want.  It’s like learning how to walk again.

In one year.

Right now, I am so excited, I could hardly sleep.  For now it’s a battle between  keeping my wits together and straining to flash a smile.  Either to pretend that I am happy right now or to hide my excitement of what is to come.

🙂