Ranting In Prose

January 28, 2014

Something just made me realize now.  Or if it even mattered that I realized it. Or if the thought or realization itself is even significant.

Anyway, I just realized that I have been ranting lately and have simply been ranting in bits and pieces.  One good rant maybe, was when I last spoke with I, when I spend the night at our house.  So this ranting trend of bits and pieces seemed to have begun around the same time my entries have become far and few in between, when my entries have become more trivial and more vague, so to speak.  I may have been ranting in bits and pieces but I was ranting more often.  It was like I was trying to build my case that my life and career sucks.  But I have always felt that no one was paying attention.  Of course, it was pretty obvious that if one rants more often, sooner or later, people will get tired of listening and the rants end up as meaningless and hollow thoughts.

So maybe I should get back to this.  Ranting in prose. It does not really matter if someone or any one reads it or not.  It is there. Suspended in cyberspace.  It is, at once, up in the air or gone forever. But it is retrievable.  With a risk (or wish) that it has become devoid of emotion or nostalgic with the angst that used to be there.

It has no specific purpose.  It has no goal.  At the same time it is one intends it to be.  To be out there. It is what it is.  And it is nothing.  All the time. Or never at all.  To be remembered. Or forgotten.

Words and memories. In cyberspace.



January 8, 2014

“If you are lost and you don’t know where to go, sometimes, the best thing to do is stay where you are.”

A friend told me that several years ago.

* * * * * * *

If this blog is a reflection of my current state of mind, then it is saying exactly what I want to say.

Two posts for the past four years.  And it says nothing much.  Maybe I was holding back or maybe I was being too cautious. Or maybe, it was sad to say, empty?

* * * * * * *

I spent the evening looking back and rereading my posts from five to ten years ago.  I would have wanted to sleep early but I could not help clicking and reading and sifting through.  I would not say it was a guilty self-indulgent pleasure.  It felt more like standing on a third floor ledge trying to replace a busted light bulb.  One could not help but look at the ground below.  Instead of just looking up to keep one’s knees from shaking, one just keeps looking down to see what is down there.  It is a scary thing.  Occasionally funny. Or maybe, downright dangerous.

The last few entries were about four years ago.  The tones have started to change.  It was to cheesy and emotional for my own sake and maybe the entries have become far and few between.  Was I trying not to keep my guard down? I hope not.

* * * * * * *

Speaking of tones starting to change, it is a sad fact that it is changing.  The entries started out mundane, funny, trivial.  Then there were the occasional rants, a bit of emotional outbursts and what not.  Then I began writing a series of entries with a theme on happiness.  That is when it started to get lonely.  Sad no?

My friend N was right.  The more you focus on looking for what makes you happy, the lonelier it gets. So should I take back what I say that happiness is a choice? I know I am getting it wrong somewhere.

* * * * * * *

Times are changing and it is changing fast.  Like in the game of tennis, the key to winning is taking control of the rally.  Pulling off the right shots, dictating the points.  I have been ranting and sulking too long but, ironically, I seem to be losing the rallies or tanking my semi-final match.  One game away from the finals. A lot of opportunities and free points but my shoulders are still slumped like I am about to lose another game.

The three-minute break is over.  The next game is about to start and I know I have to hold serve.

* * * * * * *

Tennis puns are so cheesy. 😛

EFFING What?!?

November 20, 2013

It has been three effing years! Umm, almost three effing years! Will be back soon. 🙂

What Now?

November 24, 2009

Lookee here,… I’m back!!! Well, not just yet.  Still a little rusty as I am still muddling my way through wordpress.

Good Morning

February 26, 2009

I woke up this morning to find the air still heavy with the moisture due to the rain last night.   It was about 5:45am. I lit up my first for the day and looked out the window.  It was still dark outside and the pavement was still rolling out of its puddles.  I looked down below to our neighbor’s sari-sari store.  A girl in her high school uniform was peering through the store and I could just hear or imagine their little conversation.

There was a slight breeze.  And as it managed to seep through the window which was slightly ajar, I felt it brought about an old feeling.  It was like a small whiff brought a feeling overflowing with memories, a certain state of mind that was so long ago.  Suddenly I missed being a kid.  In grade school, high school- it didn’t matter.  I missed the absence of any pressing matters.The struggles of growing old, of facing all sorts of issues by yourself.  It’s funny. It seems as we grow old, we seem to lose the wit and probably the positivity of dealing with life.  

Or maybe, it’s just that, as kids, we never really tought of it.  I mean- dealing with life.  At this age, we still rant about issues that deal with love.  And it’s crazy annoying.  Gee, why am I talking about love.  Scary, let’s just scratch that off.  

I go back inside my room. And as I get ready to take a bath, I am once again, faced with the reality that I am no longer a kid.  I weave out a sigh.  In a few days I’ll be living in the “Bird Cage.”  Scary.

I don’t know if this was a good morning or not.  I woke up early and I guess that was a good sign.  The breeze that brought the  scent of the NOT too distant past brought about a feeling of hope and hopelessness. 

Hopelessness that I am no longer young and not getting any wiser.

And hope that, somehow, I can still recognize that feeling of youth and maybe find it again somewhere not as a memory but as part of the present.

Good morning everyone.  Good afternoon and good night.  If only it were the same everyday –throughout the day.  After my bath, I step out and find that the sun had already taken the place of that somber morning.  The pavement was dry and the street had become relatively busy once again.  

Once again.  All of a sudden the morning was part of the present.  Now, I suddenly change my mind about the thought of everyday always being the same.

I guess that’s what hurts.  It has always been the same.  It was I who changed.   It’s not so bad though.  Certainly not fantastic.  Hopeful.  Hopeless.  The scent of the breeze was not some kind of memory.  It was the present.  It was there.  

Only difference was that I wasn’t.  And I won’t be again in a long long time.

And once again.  Good morning.

It’s About Time

February 13, 2009

It’s about time that I type in something new again.  Wow, it has been a long time.  I do not know what to write.  Great…

In many ways, it is the right time to say, “It’s about time.”

It’s about time to finish the book I’m reading.  About time to be true.  About time to face the music.  About time to well, eat my own words and stick with what is in front of me.  Not like it’s bad.  D ba?

Music in my car right now.  A Sheryl Crow CD.  Undoubtedly, one of the most heart-broken rock chicks out there.  Without the heavy duty guitar riffs nor the yodel-belting out type of choruses.  

And the album I am patiently awaiting – Kings of Leon’s album.  I just can’t wait.

Back to what I was saying…

Sad to say, it’s about time I grow up.  Even just a little bit.  Time to move on.  Even if it’s not too faraway.  Hirap eh.  

It isn’t always such a bad thing.  I hate this kind of trivial, vague and encrypted entries.  Don’t you?  I do.  But that is how I feel.  I’m taking a dive.  Into the same dark well as Toru Okada.  But wait, do you see it?  I assume, unlike Toru, I’m flashing a faint smile.  It’s just too dark to see here at the bottom.


Almost the End of the Year

November 22, 2008

Despite the recession (which is hardly felt here in the country-at least for me and the people close to me), 2009 brings a lot of promises. At least promises that I have vowed for myself. And the end of the year events would truly prove that great or rather drastic changes are to come.

The coming year beckons that, soon, everyone’s getting one year older. And with it new questions and assessment of where each of us are now. Sounds sad, but I would rather look at it as something exciting.

First off, my sister’s getting married before the year ends. My bro’s in a dorm for college. That means that I would be the only kid left in the house by next year. My dad’s getting older and grows more stubborn each year but my mom’s is still as kikay as ever.

I guess this landmark event is a signal for me to move out. I have no idea where my sister and her husband-to-be are planning to move-in nor where they are spending their honeymoon. I just felt the urge (and it felt pretty urgent) to move out. I felt like an old guy sleeping in his childhood bedroom. Life is exciting but at the same time it is some kind of a race. I know I think I should somehow just cruise through. But that’s just me. Always trying to buy extra time.

In the meantime, my plans for next year means that I would have to endure a few (or several) more months in the office where I work in. The boss is pretty much giving me more challenging tasks- committing deadlines without my knowledge! But I might as well try to enjoy something I do not love. I do not know if it’s possible, but my friends are somehow helping get through it day by day. And I know, one time or another, my heart will give in to what I really yearn to do with my life. That is a career in architecture and design.

So the next year is my empty canvass. A new place, go to school,and hopefully get a new job. The trick is now is trying to paint on this canvass with oil paint that keeps sinking deeper and deeper into my fingernails.  Something I would have to learn how to love.  Or endure.